Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Trying to get some more editing done . Tomorrow is a big court day :(

Well I am trying to get some editing done To get my head clear for tomorrow.
So I am working on the Angelic Night Video ( Editing it).

It is helping me alot clear my head because I have been going back and Forth On
My Decision with court . I know what is best for my son but it is hurting me that I have to surrender.
I Am not being pressured at all to make this decision by my lawyer.

My Lawyer is a great guy. he knows this is hard for me to do . He works with my other Lawyer I had from my previous case. This is just so hard for me ... after I saw son today. My Son ( Jigsaw Schultz) was so happy today . I gave him so many huggies and kisses. I told him i loved him and that when he gets older to come and find me.

My son didn't want to let go of me the whole time we were in visitation Nor did I. I Always Felt That when Jigsaw was in my arms he was safe. But now since he isn't I feel like he isn't. This is soo hard.

 It is like he knew what was gonna happen. I love my son very much. I did cry a bit today after i left vistation. I just love my son so much and it just hurts so much.  He is like my little Olaf from Frozen. he is cute and cuddley and has the most amazing personality.  All my kids have great personalitys. This is hurts so much. i cant stop welling up in my eyes.

No one knows how much this really hurts. This pain inside my heart .... its like my heart is being ripped apart and there is nothing I can do about it. Everyone tells me on how Much I am luckly to have a second chance at life . But it I am not so luckly this is not what i wanted my life to be like.


No one knows what i feel or can relate to it unless you have been through this process 7 TIMES with 7 kids. First time I went through this is When I surrendered my 6 kids it felt Like I was murdered and now Since i got to do it again It feels like I lost my whole heart and I am lost wondering in the woods like little red riding hood waiting to be hunted and eatten alive from the wolf.

I feel so lost ... I feel like I lost my soul again and this time I don't know if I will find it.
But My parents have been talken alot to me and so has my lawyer and my banker to keep my head afloat and well. Haven them as a my support team helps alot.  One thing I can tell you is You can't ever prepare enough for a loss of a child to a court case.

It hurts bad... I am sad .. I know I may put a front up and act all tough but inside I am sensitive ,loven ,caring ,compassionate, gentle soul... I have a side i keep hidden so i wont get hurt.... But for some reason people seem to spot it or seen it brighten through my exterior.

or another good word for it would be shine through...

I will get through this .... but it just hurts so much!!!  It hurts!!! I love my son very much..... *begins to cry*
I miss him already... all I can see in my head is him walken away through that black door at the center.
I made sure I gave him his favorite blanket and his favorite toy car.

I miss him so much ... I will be waiting for his return... I love you Jigsaw Schultz !! MOMMIE WILL BE WAITING FOR YOU!! I WILL ALWAYS HAVE MY DOORS OPEN FOR YOU AND YOUR SIBLINGS NO MATTER HOW OLD I GET. MOMMIES LOVE YOU!!!

I hate This. I hate it will all my heart. WHY AM I ALWAYS GETTEN PUT THROUGH SITUATIONS LIKE THIS! Why?! .... Thank gawd I have blogger. I am finally able to vent ! and just breathe and relax all at the sametime.

Sometimes Talken about things that bother you help you grow stronger. it helps you heal inside.
I know for one thing and this is weird for me to say this when I say this is..... I havent ever trusted anyone in my whole life.... but my lawyer for some reason I feel I can trust my life in his hands.. and to be honest I haven't ever felt this way with Any person.

But this lawyer and my last lawyer I had who work together feel like family to me. They feel like They know me more better then anyone else. The funny thing is I think this lawyer That I have now knows way more then my girl lawyer did and anyone who knows me personally.

I am beginning to hate how Alls the feelings I have been hiding for such a long time people are beginning to see the real me. TO BE HONEST I dont want anyone to know the REAL ME because I dont want to get hurt anymore.

The last time I letted anyone get close to knowing the real me I gotten hurt very badly ( mentally ,physically, emotionally and verbally. ) it is probley why i am defensive at times. Which  I am working on . it takes time. for 30 years I have had a rough life and alot of secrets that I still havent told a counselor or even my own family because it would devastate them ( meaning family not counselor) . I don't need them to be upset. so I handle it myself.

I am working on getten my life together now. it is just rough you know. it isn't easy. It is hard... I am just glad that i have my support team. But I feel like that is bad to have a support team because It makes me weak as a person. I was always told not to cry. I would get yelled at alot for it. I was told A real Women Don't cry they power through it. I know that men have heard a fraise like  " men don't cry and if they do they aint a man" Well in my family it went for both genders.

If you show tears it shows a sign of weakness. that is what i was told. thats why i try to always hold my tears back and hide when it happends or look away so people can't see it. I also was told that you dont ever let people see you cry because they will hurt you and use it against you.

I was told many things growing up when it came to crying. If only you guys knew half of the stuff i was told or went through you would be pissed angry sad and more.

Anyways..... I am just glad overtime with all the counseling I have had that i picked up more coping skills to help me get through times like these.

Anyways I gotta stop rambling on and on and get back to work. Well I am gonna do some editing until midnight then after that got to bed. I will blogg more tomorrow and let you know about the videos and all . I am keeping my promise guys. So far I haven't broken it.

I really try not to break any promises unless it is a real emergency. I didnt ever say i was perfect. Because believe me I am far from being perfect. If anything I am a f*cked up mess. Atleast thats what I see in the mirror when I look into it. Yes before you ask i have bad self image issues aka self Esteem issues like most.

I seriously don't see what others see in me. When I look at a mirror I see a distorted image of myself.
yes I know I got alot of stuff to work on. But I gotta work on one problem at a time. I aint no super woman. If i was then I would be flying and not haven to worry about car issues .LOL ROFL.

I had to make that joke. but hey it broke the monotony! *smiles slightly*
Right now I feel like a wounded Pixie Fairy. Like Maleficent . I hate hurting inside. but I will get better. i know I will.

Anyways gonna get back to editing. I will post another blogg tomorrow. So hang in there guys!