Rendering part 2 and Upload (of new video) :D

Well I got some extra time this morning. I got the car for the day and about 10 am I gotta start over to moms house to start to do some errands to earn some money for my new computer.

So while I wait to go over there I am rendering part 2 phase now and getten for upload . it will be about 10 minutes before I am in upload phase :D.

So I am getten everything back on schedule :D . Then Later tonight I will begin Filming  Fabulous - Angela's Fashion Fever Platinum Edition part 3 video. Hopefully if I am not too tired I will be able to get it done and uploaded. SO we will see what happends. But I will keep you guys posted :D



*Huggies*

Sincerely

DancingSouless

Rendering Part 1

Well I am in the first part of rendering. While it is rendering I am gonna get some sleep I gotta get up early again to run some errands to earn some extra money for my new computer.

So GoodBye To All Sins Ep.5 Angelic Night we be released later tonight . Thought I would let you guys know. Remember though After this rendering I got 1 more rendering cycle to go through then uploading and all.



Night night


*Huggies*


Sincerely

DancingSouless

Had a sad day :( and I am editing right now .

Well today was a very sad day . I tryed so hard not to cry in court today but it didn't work. I let myself down by crying. I hate myself for crying. Anyways enough said about that . I went to court today and I was so struggling inside my mind on if i had  Exhausted every option to save my son. But Just like my lawyer said last night on the phone we had done everything we could.

I just wanted to make sure though you know because I didnt want my son to think that his mommie didnt do everything in her will to get him back.

My lawyer pepped talked and help me through everything. he stood by my side and he didn't let me down.
I also got to meet another attorney who worked with him at his firm. he was a very nice guy.  It seems like
I have had almost every lawyer at there firm. I had 2 girls and 1 guy from that firm. but ALL of them had different approaches and did help me in my worst of times.

I am happy with the lawyer I have now. The reason why i say now is because my lawyer is my mentor now.
I would recommend him to anyone who asked for help. this guy has a heart of gold and will help you and give you the straight truth and also he is very compassionate person. He is one person I would trust with my life.

Anyways  I did ask if I could say something to the judge and my lawyer said yes and ofcourse asked what i was gonna say and to keep it short. ( which we got to because of the judges case loads and all and I understand that.) My lawyer just knows me to be a person who gives a speech that last hours. So he was just only trying to help me know to keep it short.

Anyways in the middle of my judges speech when she paused for a moment and I knew it was safe to ask her a question I did.

I said this word for word " Your Honor may I please say something" Ofcourse my lawyer at this point had asked me to wait until she was finished but the judge said I could ask a question. My judge was a sweetheart and I am so glad I had her as my judge. She was fair and Just and she was very compassionate and caring.

** Just to let all know my head is still a little foggy from earlier so i am sorry if i can't remember word for word for everything that was said***

I Then said  " Your Honor  *looked into her eyes* For many Years and with all the court cases I have been through that I had kept something wrapped up and I wanted to say something  "Your Honor " I love my son Jigsaw Schultz with all my heart and I just want what is best interest for my son and to let all know that.

At one point it looked like the judge was crying . she kept weaving in her chair like some do to stop themselves for getten upset. I really do think that it upsetted her. you know not in a bad way but like in a sympathetic way. like she could feel my pain and it bothered her.

This Judge I had has a heart of gold and she is very empathetic with her cases. She is a judge you want to have who actually cares about her cases in a different way. I have a few Judges I like because how they represent themselves and not only that how they have treated me and protected me and others.

Not all judges are like that. Every Judge is different.  To me certain Judges feel like there my mom and dad.
Some are very strict and come down on you hard and some are very compassionate and are very understanding . They are all different and unique in there own ways. Not one is the same.

After I said that the Judge looked at me and said in a understanding and compassionate voice that she was just gonna ask about the best interest of my son.  It seemed me and my judge understood eachother the whole time . I am so glad i had my Lawyer and my judge who was very understanding and kind and sweet.

After That was all said I began to start crying . I tryed so hard by gritting my teeth together to stop my self from crying , even as far as to pretend as if i was squeezing a ball in my hand but i wasnt  I was maken a fist and trying everything to stop from crying but it didnt work.... I began streaming tears down my cheeks and before you know it i broke down hard crying.

At the point my lawyer tapped me on my shoulder letten me know it was gonna be okay. The two sheriffs got me some tissues and my lawyer gave them to me. i tryed at one point hiding my face in the palms of my hands so now one could see me crying but it was to late they saw me .

I felt sorry for my judge I Think I made her a nervous wreck after i began crying badly because at one point i noticed the hearing was going even faster then before and my lawyer had to let me know when it was over.
I really was upset. My Lawyer did walk me out of the court room and to the front of the court house.  He talked to me a bit and letted me know it was alright. I told him I hated myself for crying  and that i was trying so hard not to cry. He told me that It is alright to cry that i was a human being. That there was nothing wrong with it. he letted me know that this is a new start ,a new Jennifer and that he wanted to hear good things from me.

I told him I would try my best.  I am really glad that I was given him as my lawyer and I am really glad I was given the judge I was given. I felt as if I was guided and protected like I should've been along time ago.I felt safe with them.

I am appreciative and glad My lawyer is my mentor. With him at my side I know I can get better and push forward . he has always helped me push forward and guided me the right direction and that is what i need in my life.

I don't want to let my mentor down or 2 Judges I look up too.I want to get better and improve myself.
After the court hearing I went to my moms house and my daughter and my mom gave me big huggies and letted me know that I did the right thing.

My Daughter (Akasha Pimentel) letted me know that when she turned 18 she was gonna save her money and get all her brothers and sister together to find me. My Daughter (Akasha Pimentel)  has the same feelings as i do. We are both hurt but we both know we all will be together when there 18 years old and that they will find me .

 (Akasha Pimentel) Gets to see me often because My mom lets me see her . So out of 7 kids I get to see at least one kid out of 7. My daughter Akasha Does keep tabs of her other siblings and talks to them. So I do get to know how there doing and all.

One thing about my Daughter is she is very persistent when she wants anything. Now the time Of Waiting begins as I wait for all my kids to come home . My doors will always be open to them and I will always love them and miss them.

I do know for one thing when they do come home I won't ever let them go and I am sure they wont with me either.For one thing I do know they are gonna be spoiled rotten when the come home. Because I will spoil them . Us Mom's tend to do that with our kids.

No matter what I will always be there mom and they will always be my kids. Right now my mind is
setted as if they have not ever left and that there always here because thats how i feel.
I feel like they havent ever left .  Its one way with coping with the pain . But I am sure that is how
they are coping as well.

They are probley counting the days until there old enough to find me. Just like I am waiting patiently for them to come home and counting the days. But I Feel like they are always around and I know they are because We all have the same heart. we are family our hearts beat as one. They always have me with them as they are with me .

Family is always together no matter where they are or who they are with. Love Conquers all.
I love you Jigsaw Schultz . Mommie is always here for you and all your siblings . i will be waiting for you and counting the days. I will always love you and miss you. See you soon my peanut butter. Mommie will be waiting for you. *Big huggies and kisses*


Anyways I am gonna get back to editing Angelic Night. Working on it now.

*huggies*


Sincerely

DancingSouless

Trying to get some more editing done . Tomorrow is a big court day :(

Well I am trying to get some editing done To get my head clear for tomorrow.
So I am working on the Angelic Night Video ( Editing it).

It is helping me alot clear my head because I have been going back and Forth On
My Decision with court . I know what is best for my son but it is hurting me that I have to surrender.
I Am not being pressured at all to make this decision by my lawyer.

My Lawyer is a great guy. he knows this is hard for me to do . He works with my other Lawyer I had from my previous case. This is just so hard for me ... after I saw son today. My Son ( Jigsaw Schultz) was so happy today . I gave him so many huggies and kisses. I told him i loved him and that when he gets older to come and find me.

My son didn't want to let go of me the whole time we were in visitation Nor did I. I Always Felt That when Jigsaw was in my arms he was safe. But now since he isn't I feel like he isn't. This is soo hard.


 It is like he knew what was gonna happen. I love my son very much. I did cry a bit today after i left vistation. I just love my son so much and it just hurts so much.  He is like my little Olaf from Frozen. he is cute and cuddley and has the most amazing personality.  All my kids have great personalitys. This is hurts so much. i cant stop welling up in my eyes.

No one knows how much this really hurts. This pain inside my heart .... its like my heart is being ripped apart and there is nothing I can do about it. Everyone tells me on how Much I am luckly to have a second chance at life . But it I am not so luckly this is not what i wanted my life to be like.

I DIDN'T HAVE KIDS TO HAVE THEM TAKEN AWAY FROM ME!!!. I HAD KIDS SO I COULD TAKE CARE OF THEM AS I SHOULD BE. THIS HURTS SO BAD!!

No one knows what i feel or can relate to it unless you have been through this process 7 TIMES with 7 kids. First time I went through this is When I surrendered my 6 kids it felt Like I was murdered and now Since i got to do it again It feels like I lost my whole heart and I am lost wondering in the woods like little red riding hood waiting to be hunted and eatten alive from the wolf.

I feel so lost ... I feel like I lost my soul again and this time I don't know if I will find it.
But My parents have been talken alot to me and so has my lawyer and my banker to keep my head afloat and well. Haven them as a my support team helps alot.  One thing I can tell you is You can't ever prepare enough for a loss of a child to a court case.

It hurts bad... I am sad .. I know I may put a front up and act all tough but inside I am sensitive ,loven ,caring ,compassionate, gentle soul... I have a side i keep hidden so i wont get hurt.... But for some reason people seem to spot it or seen it brighten through my exterior.

or another good word for it would be shine through...

I will get through this .... but it just hurts so much!!!  It hurts!!! I love my son very much..... *begins to cry*
I miss him already... all I can see in my head is him walken away through that black door at the center.
I made sure I gave him his favorite blanket and his favorite toy car.

I miss him so much ... I will be waiting for his return... I love you Jigsaw Schultz !! MOMMIE WILL BE WAITING FOR YOU!! I WILL ALWAYS HAVE MY DOORS OPEN FOR YOU AND YOUR SIBLINGS NO MATTER HOW OLD I GET. MOMMIES LOVE YOU!!!

I hate This. I hate it will all my heart. WHY AM I ALWAYS GETTEN PUT THROUGH SITUATIONS LIKE THIS! Why?! .... Thank gawd I have blogger. I am finally able to vent ! and just breathe and relax all at the sametime.

Sometimes Talken about things that bother you help you grow stronger. it helps you heal inside.
I know for one thing and this is weird for me to say this when I say this is..... I havent ever trusted anyone in my whole life.... but my lawyer for some reason I feel I can trust my life in his hands.. and to be honest I haven't ever felt this way with Any person.

But this lawyer and my last lawyer I had who work together feel like family to me. They feel like They know me more better then anyone else. The funny thing is I think this lawyer That I have now knows way more then my girl lawyer did and anyone who knows me personally.

I am beginning to hate how Alls the feelings I have been hiding for such a long time people are beginning to see the real me. TO BE HONEST I dont want anyone to know the REAL ME because I dont want to get hurt anymore.

The last time I letted anyone get close to knowing the real me I gotten hurt very badly ( mentally ,physically, emotionally and verbally. ) it is probley why i am defensive at times. Which  I am working on . it takes time. for 30 years I have had a rough life and alot of secrets that I still havent told a counselor or even my own family because it would devastate them ( meaning family not counselor) . I don't need them to be upset. so I handle it myself.

I am working on getten my life together now. it is just rough you know. it isn't easy. It is hard... I am just glad that i have my support team. But I feel like that is bad to have a support team because It makes me weak as a person. I was always told not to cry. I would get yelled at alot for it. I was told A real Women Don't cry they power through it. I know that men have heard a fraise like  " men don't cry and if they do they aint a man" Well in my family it went for both genders.

If you show tears it shows a sign of weakness. that is what i was told. thats why i try to always hold my tears back and hide when it happends or look away so people can't see it. I also was told that you dont ever let people see you cry because they will hurt you and use it against you.

I was told many things growing up when it came to crying. If only you guys knew half of the stuff i was told or went through you would be pissed angry sad and more.

Anyways..... I am just glad overtime with all the counseling I have had that i picked up more coping skills to help me get through times like these.


Anyways I gotta stop rambling on and on and get back to work. Well I am gonna do some editing until midnight then after that got to bed. I will blogg more tomorrow and let you know about the videos and all . I am keeping my promise guys. So far I haven't broken it.

I really try not to break any promises unless it is a real emergency. I didnt ever say i was perfect. Because believe me I am far from being perfect. If anything I am a f*cked up mess. Atleast thats what I see in the mirror when I look into it. Yes before you ask i have bad self image issues aka self Esteem issues like most.

I seriously don't see what others see in me. When I look at a mirror I see a distorted image of myself.
yes I know I got alot of stuff to work on. But I gotta work on one problem at a time. I aint no super woman. If i was then I would be flying and not haven to worry about car issues .LOL ROFL.

I had to make that joke. but hey it broke the monotony! *smiles slightly*
Right now I feel like a wounded Pixie Fairy. Like Maleficent . I hate hurting inside. but I will get better. i know I will.

Anyways gonna get back to editing. I will post another blogg tomorrow. So hang in there guys!


*HUGGIES*

Sincerely

DancingSouless

JUST GOT HOME!

Well I just got home after a long day. Today I ran errands for my parents. I had to pick up my mom meds and get my dad news dress shirts and socks. Went to my interview in which they are callen me back for a second one already. It is for a management position. So I would be working from 8am to 6:30pm . I would be a boss . Hiring and firing while managing employees and such.  I have done this before. So its nothing new to me. But it looks promising.


I Just want a Job I CAN expand and grow to new heights and levels. I am so tired of being in the low leveled area where there isn't much to do or expand. I get bored quick . So i need a job that will hold my attention. This one looks like it could do it plus more.

Anyways After that I had to go take my dads car in to get 2 new tires and an oil change. then Had to call 911 at one point because on Around the Loop Area we had 3 Traffic Lights outs and Traffic was crazy. not to mention we had 2 cars on the road broken down besides the Traffic lights not working.

So people were Nutts on the road. There were almost a few Accidents as well on that road. people were impatient and everything. But We made it safe out of there.

Then towards the end I brought my Daughter to the ER because she was running a fever and all.
So We got that all straighten out and then went and dropped my mom and my daughter off. Then I drove back to my home and then switched drivers . meaning i drove home in my dads car and he relaxed while i drove then when i got home we swtiched and he drove himself home.

So With all that said. Thats how my day went. To be honest  I dont think I will be home early the next 2 days. So Expect Delays on the videos.  I still got to get my car fixed on top of all of this plus take care of my family ( meaning my mom ,dad, and my daughter) Plus all there errands and mine.


Tomorrow I got vistation . I hope they got my 3 phone calls and messages . since they have me call the day before vistation. if not I got a record showing  i call them. so they dont wanna lie because i got prove.
I have learned alot from being in a court room for 10 years how both sides work and all.

So right now I am gonna get ready for bed and all. I will keep you guys posted on when I will release the videos but as of right now I am pretty busy until the court day. Just think I have been up since 5 am doing all this stuff and just now I am gonna head to bed .lol

And people think there life is hard ? HA! Walk in my shoes and know everything about me and you will be running for help. I am a very strong person and been through alot more then people realize.
There is not one person who can handle what i have been through or are going through.

TO be in my shoes you have to have a strong head on your shoulders  ( Mentality ,Emotionally,physically and more ).

Anyways gonna get to bed. Look for an update tomorrow to see what is going on .


*HUGGIES*


Sincerely

DancingSouless

I haven't forgotten you guys! A letter to My Family!!

I just wanted to write this real quick before i go brush my teeth and go to bed.
I do miss all of you very much and our gameplay videos . I haven't forgotten you
Guys
.
Things will be back to normal soon. I promise. I dont make promises I can't
keep. But I can promise you this... that It will go back to normal soon. it is
just alot of things hitten all at once and like everyone else we all need income to
survive.

Please keep a look out for my post tomorrow. i will let you know everything.
you are my family and I love you guys like you are my own. Tomorrow When i get home
I will tell you everything. Just hang in there. you will get what you rightfully Deserve and that
is your videos.

They might be alot of videos being released all at once. So you may not see them now but you will
even if it alot of videos being released at once. You wont lose any content. I am pretty sure after Thursday May 5th all will relax and videos will be back to where it should be.

Just dont forget to check tomorrow Night for a new post with details and all.


Miss you and love you all  *HUGGIES TO MY FAMILY*


Sincerely

DancingSouless

Change of SCHEDULE AS STARTS OF TONIGHT!

Today Was a really busy day for me running errands. Then to top things off My Car began to over heat again!! . I didn't get home until almost 7ish . Tomorrow I gotta do even more errands in which I will get more money to go towards my computer. But I also have a Interview at 12:30pm .

So due to the interview and I have to get up at 6am again if not earlier . Gotta be picked up early by my dad to borrow his car. I will not have any releases done tonight. I will give you an updated post tomorrow with great detail on what all happend .

I am sorry guys. But i really need to have a job and income. which is very important.
Just keep a look out for another post tomorrow. i will update you on what is going on and when
the VIDEOS will be released.


*Huggies*

Sincerely

DancingSouless