Trying to get some more editing done . Tomorrow is a big court day :(

Well I am trying to get some editing done To get my head clear for tomorrow.
So I am working on the Angelic Night Video ( Editing it).

It is helping me alot clear my head because I have been going back and Forth On
My Decision with court . I know what is best for my son but it is hurting me that I have to surrender.
I Am not being pressured at all to make this decision by my lawyer.

My Lawyer is a great guy. he knows this is hard for me to do . He works with my other Lawyer I had from my previous case. This is just so hard for me ... after I saw son today. My Son ( Jigsaw Schultz) was so happy today . I gave him so many huggies and kisses. I told him i loved him and that when he gets older to come and find me.

My son didn't want to let go of me the whole time we were in visitation Nor did I. I Always Felt That when Jigsaw was in my arms he was safe. But now since he isn't I feel like he isn't. This is soo hard.


 It is like he knew what was gonna happen. I love my son very much. I did cry a bit today after i left vistation. I just love my son so much and it just hurts so much.  He is like my little Olaf from Frozen. he is cute and cuddley and has the most amazing personality.  All my kids have great personalitys. This is hurts so much. i cant stop welling up in my eyes.

No one knows how much this really hurts. This pain inside my heart .... its like my heart is being ripped apart and there is nothing I can do about it. Everyone tells me on how Much I am luckly to have a second chance at life . But it I am not so luckly this is not what i wanted my life to be like.

I DIDN'T HAVE KIDS TO HAVE THEM TAKEN AWAY FROM ME!!!. I HAD KIDS SO I COULD TAKE CARE OF THEM AS I SHOULD BE. THIS HURTS SO BAD!!

No one knows what i feel or can relate to it unless you have been through this process 7 TIMES with 7 kids. First time I went through this is When I surrendered my 6 kids it felt Like I was murdered and now Since i got to do it again It feels like I lost my whole heart and I am lost wondering in the woods like little red riding hood waiting to be hunted and eatten alive from the wolf.

I feel so lost ... I feel like I lost my soul again and this time I don't know if I will find it.
But My parents have been talken alot to me and so has my lawyer and my banker to keep my head afloat and well. Haven them as a my support team helps alot.  One thing I can tell you is You can't ever prepare enough for a loss of a child to a court case.

It hurts bad... I am sad .. I know I may put a front up and act all tough but inside I am sensitive ,loven ,caring ,compassionate, gentle soul... I have a side i keep hidden so i wont get hurt.... But for some reason people seem to spot it or seen it brighten through my exterior.

or another good word for it would be shine through...

I will get through this .... but it just hurts so much!!!  It hurts!!! I love my son very much..... *begins to cry*
I miss him already... all I can see in my head is him walken away through that black door at the center.
I made sure I gave him his favorite blanket and his favorite toy car.

I miss him so much ... I will be waiting for his return... I love you Jigsaw Schultz !! MOMMIE WILL BE WAITING FOR YOU!! I WILL ALWAYS HAVE MY DOORS OPEN FOR YOU AND YOUR SIBLINGS NO MATTER HOW OLD I GET. MOMMIES LOVE YOU!!!

I hate This. I hate it will all my heart. WHY AM I ALWAYS GETTEN PUT THROUGH SITUATIONS LIKE THIS! Why?! .... Thank gawd I have blogger. I am finally able to vent ! and just breathe and relax all at the sametime.

Sometimes Talken about things that bother you help you grow stronger. it helps you heal inside.
I know for one thing and this is weird for me to say this when I say this is..... I havent ever trusted anyone in my whole life.... but my lawyer for some reason I feel I can trust my life in his hands.. and to be honest I haven't ever felt this way with Any person.

But this lawyer and my last lawyer I had who work together feel like family to me. They feel like They know me more better then anyone else. The funny thing is I think this lawyer That I have now knows way more then my girl lawyer did and anyone who knows me personally.

I am beginning to hate how Alls the feelings I have been hiding for such a long time people are beginning to see the real me. TO BE HONEST I dont want anyone to know the REAL ME because I dont want to get hurt anymore.

The last time I letted anyone get close to knowing the real me I gotten hurt very badly ( mentally ,physically, emotionally and verbally. ) it is probley why i am defensive at times. Which  I am working on . it takes time. for 30 years I have had a rough life and alot of secrets that I still havent told a counselor or even my own family because it would devastate them ( meaning family not counselor) . I don't need them to be upset. so I handle it myself.

I am working on getten my life together now. it is just rough you know. it isn't easy. It is hard... I am just glad that i have my support team. But I feel like that is bad to have a support team because It makes me weak as a person. I was always told not to cry. I would get yelled at alot for it. I was told A real Women Don't cry they power through it. I know that men have heard a fraise like  " men don't cry and if they do they aint a man" Well in my family it went for both genders.

If you show tears it shows a sign of weakness. that is what i was told. thats why i try to always hold my tears back and hide when it happends or look away so people can't see it. I also was told that you dont ever let people see you cry because they will hurt you and use it against you.

I was told many things growing up when it came to crying. If only you guys knew half of the stuff i was told or went through you would be pissed angry sad and more.

Anyways..... I am just glad overtime with all the counseling I have had that i picked up more coping skills to help me get through times like these.


Anyways I gotta stop rambling on and on and get back to work. Well I am gonna do some editing until midnight then after that got to bed. I will blogg more tomorrow and let you know about the videos and all . I am keeping my promise guys. So far I haven't broken it.

I really try not to break any promises unless it is a real emergency. I didnt ever say i was perfect. Because believe me I am far from being perfect. If anything I am a f*cked up mess. Atleast thats what I see in the mirror when I look into it. Yes before you ask i have bad self image issues aka self Esteem issues like most.

I seriously don't see what others see in me. When I look at a mirror I see a distorted image of myself.
yes I know I got alot of stuff to work on. But I gotta work on one problem at a time. I aint no super woman. If i was then I would be flying and not haven to worry about car issues .LOL ROFL.

I had to make that joke. but hey it broke the monotony! *smiles slightly*
Right now I feel like a wounded Pixie Fairy. Like Maleficent . I hate hurting inside. but I will get better. i know I will.

Anyways gonna get back to editing. I will post another blogg tomorrow. So hang in there guys!


*HUGGIES*

Sincerely

DancingSouless

JUST GOT HOME!

Well I just got home after a long day. Today I ran errands for my parents. I had to pick up my mom meds and get my dad news dress shirts and socks. Went to my interview in which they are callen me back for a second one already. It is for a management position. So I would be working from 8am to 6:30pm . I would be a boss . Hiring and firing while managing employees and such.  I have done this before. So its nothing new to me. But it looks promising.


I Just want a Job I CAN expand and grow to new heights and levels. I am so tired of being in the low leveled area where there isn't much to do or expand. I get bored quick . So i need a job that will hold my attention. This one looks like it could do it plus more.

Anyways After that I had to go take my dads car in to get 2 new tires and an oil change. then Had to call 911 at one point because on Around the Loop Area we had 3 Traffic Lights outs and Traffic was crazy. not to mention we had 2 cars on the road broken down besides the Traffic lights not working.

So people were Nutts on the road. There were almost a few Accidents as well on that road. people were impatient and everything. But We made it safe out of there.

Then towards the end I brought my Daughter to the ER because she was running a fever and all.
So We got that all straighten out and then went and dropped my mom and my daughter off. Then I drove back to my home and then switched drivers . meaning i drove home in my dads car and he relaxed while i drove then when i got home we swtiched and he drove himself home.

So With all that said. Thats how my day went. To be honest  I dont think I will be home early the next 2 days. So Expect Delays on the videos.  I still got to get my car fixed on top of all of this plus take care of my family ( meaning my mom ,dad, and my daughter) Plus all there errands and mine.


Tomorrow I got vistation . I hope they got my 3 phone calls and messages . since they have me call the day before vistation. if not I got a record showing  i call them. so they dont wanna lie because i got prove.
I have learned alot from being in a court room for 10 years how both sides work and all.

So right now I am gonna get ready for bed and all. I will keep you guys posted on when I will release the videos but as of right now I am pretty busy until the court day. Just think I have been up since 5 am doing all this stuff and just now I am gonna head to bed .lol

And people think there life is hard ? HA! Walk in my shoes and know everything about me and you will be running for help. I am a very strong person and been through alot more then people realize.
There is not one person who can handle what i have been through or are going through.

TO be in my shoes you have to have a strong head on your shoulders  ( Mentality ,Emotionally,physically and more ).

Anyways gonna get to bed. Look for an update tomorrow to see what is going on .


*HUGGIES*


Sincerely

DancingSouless

I haven't forgotten you guys! A letter to My Family!!

I just wanted to write this real quick before i go brush my teeth and go to bed.
I do miss all of you very much and our gameplay videos . I haven't forgotten you
Guys
.
Things will be back to normal soon. I promise. I dont make promises I can't
keep. But I can promise you this... that It will go back to normal soon. it is
just alot of things hitten all at once and like everyone else we all need income to
survive.

Please keep a look out for my post tomorrow. i will let you know everything.
you are my family and I love you guys like you are my own. Tomorrow When i get home
I will tell you everything. Just hang in there. you will get what you rightfully Deserve and that
is your videos.

They might be alot of videos being released all at once. So you may not see them now but you will
even if it alot of videos being released at once. You wont lose any content. I am pretty sure after Thursday May 5th all will relax and videos will be back to where it should be.

Just dont forget to check tomorrow Night for a new post with details and all.


Miss you and love you all  *HUGGIES TO MY FAMILY*


Sincerely

DancingSouless

Change of SCHEDULE AS STARTS OF TONIGHT!

Today Was a really busy day for me running errands. Then to top things off My Car began to over heat again!! . I didn't get home until almost 7ish . Tomorrow I gotta do even more errands in which I will get more money to go towards my computer. But I also have a Interview at 12:30pm .

So due to the interview and I have to get up at 6am again if not earlier . Gotta be picked up early by my dad to borrow his car. I will not have any releases done tonight. I will give you an updated post tomorrow with great detail on what all happend .

I am sorry guys. But i really need to have a job and income. which is very important.
Just keep a look out for another post tomorrow. i will update you on what is going on and when
the VIDEOS will be released.


*Huggies*

Sincerely

DancingSouless

Double Videos is possible Tomorrow !

Well I got Angelic Night done Recording. I am in the editing process now. But I gotta go to bed because I gotta be up by 6:30 AM. Because I gotta leave my house by 7am to get to kissimmee by 7:30am I gotta get my Daughter to school  by 8am and my mom TO her Appointment at 9am.

So Just a little post but It is done (Recording) Now it is just in the editing phase.
Tomorrow when I get home I will get it done and get it in the rendering phase.

At the sametime i will be recording Fabulous - Angela's Fashion Fever Platinum Edition.
So tomorrow i got 2 videos being worked on and hopefully by 2 am Tuesday morning they should both be released. Then after that everything should be back to schedule.


Just wanted ALL TO BE POSTED.  Gonna go to sleep. if i wake up earlier i will start earlier.
But anyways. I wanted all to keep posted.


*Huggies*

Sincerely

DancingSouless

NEWS ON VIDEO SET TO RELEASE SOON!!

Well I made a little money today to help go towards my Computer. still not even close but atleast it is
something .  Anyways been out all day doing errands and tomorrow I got more errands to do.
So I am happy about that. But Tonight I am gonna work on Angelic Night 1 hour Video. So I can try to release it around sometime tonight or morning.  Depends it i fall asleep during the rendering process again LOL.

I swear it happends all the time now. Well i will let you know and post an update soon :D.

Anyways I Wanna show you guys a Set Schedule I worked on So you guys know when you favorite episodes are gonna be released.  I set them in a order so you know which is next. so here they are and the process-- >


1. Sacra Terra - Angelic Night
2. Fabulous - Angela's Fashion Fever Platinum Edition
3. Dark Parables - The Final Cinderella Platinum Edition
4. Enforcer Police Crime Action
5. (( POSSIBLE NEW GAMEPLAY))


Schedule Work Time for me  

{ Night schedule}
Most days I start at 10pm and have releases done between 2 and 8 am eastern time.
The latest time of releases are between 12 pm and 2pm Eastern time.

::Wednesdays thru Sunday::

{Day Schedule}

Most days I start at 6 am or 8 am and have releases done by 12 afternoon
Latest is 6pm evening

::Monday and Tuesday  ::


{{{ This all depends on sleeping schedule and real life issues or emergencys}}}

Right now I am on a Day Schedule and Night Mixed.

Soon I will have a set schedule on all 7 days but right now I gotta wait until after May 5th because of court.
After that is done I will be able to have a set schedule 100%.

Right now this schedule is in place until May 5th. After may 5th  then Monday and Tuesday will change to all Night schedules.  ((( BUT ALWAYS KEEP A WATCH HERE TO SEE IF ANYTHING HAS CHANGED WHEN I POST .IT IS VERY IMPORTANT))))


Alright Guys I thought I would let you know. Now I gotta get to work. So i will update you guys later.


*Huggies*


Sincerely

DancingSouless

The Last 2 days and why there hasn't been a video

Hey guys !!

Just Wanted to update you on why there hasn't been a  video the last two days. As you all know I
Need a new computer and I have been running a campaign for it. Only one of my friends has donated
to help me. Unfortunately only one donation is not gonna help me reach my goal. Especially when the computer I need is $599.00 Dollars I only raised $25 Dollars out of it. Also don't forget taxes. So it is actually 640.93 and that is with 1.07 tax here in florida.  So really I need 640.93 for my computer.

Here is the math so you can see what i mean Take 599.00 x 1.07 ( Florida tax) = 640.93.
Remember every donation gets deducted by go fund me. for instance if you give $25 and I
Withdraw it to put it in the goal towards my computer I would only  get  $22.73 .

See Being 100% honest with ya. not many people would do that with you
at all.Well I am one person that is honest and blunt even if it hurts. I stand by my mission statement.

"strong willed to be open and honest even if it hurts."  That is technically my tag like on my google plus profile page but It seems to work for me as a mission statement.

The thing About me is when I say I am gonna do something I do it . Unless there is a good reason why
not to. meaning being sick or emergency and ect. Then usually I do it unless like i said Emergency .sick or ect.

Anyways  So Since not many have been donating I have been taken a break from YouTube and YouTube Academy Bootcamp to look for jobs and to see if my parents need any help so i could earn some extra money.

So On Friday I got an interview with Sams Club and OFcourse ONCE AGAIN GOT A GIRL WHO COULDNT SPEAK PERFECT ENGLISH!!!! GAWD DAMMNIT PEOPLE WE ARE IN AMERICA NOT PURTO RICO!!

They need to learn ENGLISH not make us Americans speak theres. I did tell her to keep repeating the question because her English was very broken . And Ofcourse ONCE AGAIN DIDN'T GET THE JOB.
I wonder why ? *sezs sarcastically* You WALK in there and all you ever see is people who speak Spanish and broken English .

I swear I am gonna call discrimination at this point. I didn't even have a fair chance. Nor Do I even have a fair chance in this state at all with a job. There are very few who speak perfect English in there. you know perfect Bilingual . It is becoming more commen in jobs here in Florida and I am so sick of it !

Not only that in most jobs now they are asking us AMERICANS preferred to be bilingual . I mean it is so f*cked up.

You barley see any white people at all. I think if you come to america You should  At least be put through a English course and speak it well to get a job here. I mean come on I have a Russian friend Who speaks way better English then she did. I have had my Germany family and there friends speak better English then her.

 I have been trying to get a regular job for over 3 years now.  At one point I did have a temp Job As a housekeeper and Front desk at Tropicana Motel. they let me go after 2 days because ( I was a temp) I was fillen in for a women who was haven a miscarriage.

At That Time I was going through 2 court cases at the time with my kids. I thought for sure that I was gonna be able to save my kids from the state. But I didnt and I lost my cases. :( . And I lost 6 kids to the state.

Because of These few things is the reason why i lost  --->

1. Didn't have a job  ( I did have other income from my partner who was supporting me and my kids) But I was activity looken for a job too. { which wasn't good enough for them}  I could see if i wasnt then they could but i was looken for a job.

2. My home wasn't big enough for there liking ( at the time I had a 3 bedroom apartment and i only had 4 out of 6 living with me ) There was an agreement a long time ago before I had my other kids that my oldest 2 kids would be adopted by my parents.

My Boys had there room and my daughter had hers. We also were looken to move at the time to a bigger place as well. But that didnt happen because of all the drama with the court putten it on hold.

I had put over $300 To safety Prove the home as well to make it safe for my kids and that STILL WASNT GOOD ENOUGH!!


3. The Counselor who will remain nameless Twisted the facts and how my mental state was so there side could win the case. so it put our side at risk and in danger.  You know how prosecutors and state are thats how they win there cases. And if they say different there lieing through there teeth. I know how both sides works . I have been in a court room for OVER 10 YEARS!!.

Those are the top 3 Reasons why. oh wait I forgot one I aint rich ,and have everything new!!!


But besides all that drama.....

Not to mention I had a traitor on our side . We had 3 attorneys on the side i was on . One for each parent. I had A private Attorney given to me by the state ,The Ex husband baby dad 1 had hired a private attorney but he was paying it from his SSI or his dad ( Aint 100% sure on it)  , and baby Dad 2 had a public Defender.

Anyways We got down to the 2 day Trial of TPR ( Termination Of Parental Rights)
And baby dad number 2 decided to side swipe our side by surrender first with in less then 12 hours
into the trial and on day 1. We had a 2 day trial and he QUITED ON DAY 1 IN LESS THEN 12 HOURS.

I was wanting to fight it until I couldnt Anymore because it was too dangerous. My Lawyer and I were ready to battle it out until it got too dangerous then surrender. WELL baby Dad number 2 F*cked up our plan so we had no other choice to surrender shortly after him. Because there was no way the state was gonna gives me my kids back with no job . Which is understandable. Since with any kids you need income to support them.

So I did what was in the best interest for my kids I surrendered.BUT I STILL HOLD THE GRUDGE UNTIL THIS DAY AGAINEST MY EX BABY DAD NUMBER 2. can't put real name due to legality.

Babys Dad Number 2 had made me a promise before walken into that courtroom that he would consult me on what was gonna happen to our kids. we were at the time on neutral grounds with our kids at the time.

Well Babys dad Number 2 SURRENDER HIS RIGHTS FIRST WITHOUT CONSULTING ME ON OUR KIDS. AND SIDE WIPED OUR CASE BIG TIME. WHAT KIND OF GUY DOES THAT!!!

And Go figure HE IS THE ONE WHO WAS ARRESTED ON THIS CASE AND CONVICTED!!!!
If you ask me this is all bulls*it!!!

Not to mention I lose my 7th kid now because of him. GAWD DAMNIT IT ALL!!.
Before this case happen the babys dad2 and I were working on Getting joint custody But
Now look what is going on . I lose the kid because once again NO  Regular income job ( WHICH ISN'T MY FAULT)SINCE I HAVE BEEN TRYING AND ALSO BATTLING DEPRESSION!!.

In this state if you are not rich or dont have a new car or house or a High paying Job you probley won't get your kids back.I know this for sure because I actually confronted a women who was with the state.  She is  so luckly I dont sue the hell out of the state. But i can't because I AM BROKE!!.

This is what happens to people who dont have money. they lose everything .


YouTube is my job but I still haven't reached payout . which payout is $100.00 . I only got maybe 30 cents right now with all the videos i have uploaded . Which i havent received because Payout is $100.00 dollars.
I have been working 24 to 48 hours sometimes without sleep just to get best quality with my videos and working with what i have  ( cameras,editing equipment and more).

Not to mention I aint with a network and my channel is still doesn't Under any specific Group channel type. Because One my channel is suppose to be variety . They Should make a Variety label for those who don't
want to be stuck under a category .

But anyways besides all these put together...  The last 2 days I have been doing errands for my parents to make extra money so i can get my computer I need for my work. So every little penny counts .

So I am sorry if I dont have my videos everyday like they use too. But I am VERY STRESSED OUT WITH NOT HAVEN MONEY FOR THE COMPUTER I NEED. So I Am trying to make money elsewhere where it is guarenteed.


Plus I am STRESSED OUT WITH COURT TOO. So I am under alot of stress and i dont need it to be seen in my videos . My Videos are meant to enjoy and be happy. Not Angry and stressful. So i am doing whats in the best interest of my family at YouTube. I am sheltering you guys from seeing me angry and upset.

The only time you should ever see me angry is if it is at a game when i am playen it. not otherwise.
Alright Guys so I thought I WOULD let you know what is all going on. I am gonna try to make another video today . But first I gotta call my mom to see if she needs me for any errand. If she needs me THEN I will be earning extra money from my parents.


This computer is needed for my YouTube JOB and I can't make more videos with good quality without this particular computer. So you guys hopefully understand that I am doing this to get the computer so i can make more videos and have my career at YouTube survive. I can't Survive my Career without it. It is not a want IT IS A NEED.

As of right now I accumalating 4 to 6 GBs of data perday when i do my videos. I only have 140 GB left on my memory and my external only has 120GB left for storage (which is a 1 TB External). I have used alot of it already with my videos ,pictures of family, and music (being honest with you). But majority of it is actually my videos that takes the memory .if you do the math you can see why i am panicking .

So if you guys would like to donate please Donate to our campaigne  . Every Penny Helps.

https://www.gofundme.com/DancingSouless


Well i am gonna give my mom a call and then if she doesnt need me do another video.
Thanks for listening if you are.


*HUGGIES*

Sincerely

DancingSouless